A long time ago, way back in the previous century, I had a dumb little web page. I guess I still have a dumb little web page. But I mean this one was even worse. At the time, banner ads were just becoming prevalent on the web. Back then, the biggest irritation was animated Gifs used in ads. And everybody was on a modem, so even those tended to be pretty minimal. Anyway, my Quake-adled brain came up with the idea to put satirical banner ads on my site for hoots and giggles. I came up with twelve with the help of a friend.

404 Not Found

What a compelling ad! A way to get rid of 404 errors? Amazing! And can you guess where the link took you when you clicked it? Can you? Yes, that's right, to a missing page! Ha! A regular laugh riot! I mean because it says... and you click... and you get the... hee hee... yeah.

MacDougal's Online

This is probably my favorite ad, no doubt in large part because of the glowing food items. If animated Gifs supported sound I wouldn't have hesitated to accompany the illuminated clicks with a rickety mechanical buzzer. I also have to give myself credit for that brilliant restaurant alias.

Webtser's Dictoinary Online! [sic]

I like to think I picked up the concept of subtlety somewhere along the line, but it hadn't quite budded when I was penning these ad concepts. I wasn't going to say much about this one here because it's so self-explanatory, but then I remembered most people can't spell worth a damn these days. So in case you don't get it, the words are misspelled... on a dictionary ad. See? Dictionaries are these ancient books we used to look words up in before spellcheck, so that's why it's funny. Nyuk nyuk.

www.confession.com

Upon seeing the URL again for the first time in years I was briefly curious if such a domain existed. But thinking about it for a moment I'm not sure I wanna know what would be hosted there. The ad's just based on a goofy premise of online salvation, but I'm sure someone's actually created such a site by now. Oh, and the background is supposed to be stained glass, but it looks more like the paintjob on a college kid's car.

Gasco Online

The only thing worse than being too obvious about a joke is being so subtle that it isn't funny. The idea here was that it's silly to have a website for a gas station, which, I know, isn't at all unusual today, or even back then, really. The only clue that this is a joke is the virtual minimart bit. This one just makes me weep with shame. Next, please.

Lynx

First note is I apparently had difficultly timing this one, because you can't read the damn thing fast enough. Anyway, fairly simple concept behind this one. Improve your web experience by downgrading your browser! Ho ho! What nonsense! I, like you, have no idea why I gave linux.org as the URL.

Mouse Catalog

This one also borders on being too subtle to be funny. The idea—which I hoped was obvious but was never convinced as such—is that if your mouse won't work you can't click the banner ad. And now that I think of it, in 1997 browsers couldn't be navigated by keyboard yet anyway, so you wouldn't really even be able to browse the web, let alone see this ad. Huh.

Pope's Address

This one actually makes me laugh. Probably because I didn't think it up. I can't say much about this one because I'm just sitting here giggling at the Pope rockin' out. One regret: I wish I'd done his little speech bubble with a mock Italian accent. "All-a your friends-a will-a be there! I'm-a the Pope-a!"

Neo-Luddites

If you know who Luddites are this is just a stupid, obvious joke. If you don't then it makes no sense and is therefore also stupid. The Luddites are a group that's against technology or somesuch. Just replace Luddite with Amish and the joke becomes clearer. I have to say I'm impressed with my own ability to get these ads to be so small. The largest one is only 19kb. You're lucky if you can even find a stylesheet under 50k these days.

Heaven's Gate

Ahhh ha ha, there's nothing like dated comedy. Does anybody even remember Heaven's Gate? They were the weird computer company led by the Messiah of Thyroid Conditions to commit suicide in matching Nikes. All I remember about that whole episode was trying desperately to download their website before it disappeared forever. Some people take photos; I download snapshots of public websites.

Movies in Your Browser

The biggest disappointment in looking at these ads again is how we've got actual companies doing stupid stuff like this. What's more, we've got even stupider people who pay for services like this. Stop it! You're contributing to the downfall (and pixelization) of man! I'm trying to identify the tiny clips that are flashing by. I think I see Men in Black, Sanda Bullock, Tom Cruise, and some guy holding a baguette in a menacing manner.

No Ads

I'm pleased to see my aversion to advertising was in full swing by then. I'd like to say I had tons of offers to advertise on my site, all of which I refused, but the truth is I never got any. What's the point of resolving to say no to marketing departments if they don't even bother to call?